To Delve or Not to Delve

So I said I would go back to talking more about my experiences at the mental hospital, but instead need to address the issues of therapy and writing this blog on others, especially those who love and care about me.

Life would be grand if we could all understand the context of each person's actions, their background and why they act the way they do. Sometimes when I get entirely irate the drive up person at McDonalds, I stop and think, "I wonder why they are working at McDonalds, and I wonder if they've had people being mean all day." The answer I have no freaking clue. Now, to admit that I have no freaking clue what it is like to be my twin sister is much harder to admit. But in truth, I don't, simply because I'm not her. I am not inside her head and heart and soul. I don't think many of us stop and think about that.

I am the first to admit, reluctantly, that I am a very judgmental person. Why do people stand outside of hospitals with oxygen tanks and smoke, for example. I hate that. But why do I get so angry, and sometimes even go as far as stare at them? It's not me doing it, and do I know the power of addiction? Not really. So I shouldn't judge right? Easier said than done, much easier said than done.

After I left the hospital in Mexico, I was very reluctant about counseling, as I mentioned yesterday. Let's face it, the difficult issues are the ones we shy away from. I have always been a FIRM, FIRM, FIRM believer in the power of positive thinking, prayer, and hard work. I am learning through this experience that depression does not have anything to do with those. I have heard the advice (all very well intentioned): think positively, force yourself to go out, think about the things you can do, move on with your life, I don't even think of you as a cancer survivor, why do you focus on it?

Problem #1,234,242: I am a people pleaser. I want to think positively, go out with my girlfriends, visit my former workplace. And I AM thankful for what abilities I have, for my amazing family, friends, and even for my stinking goldendoodle. And I pray. I pray for others and for myself. Then WHY? WHY can't I get this knot, this cloud, this feeling of dread to go away? 

As I said yesterday, my therapist has led me to understand I have probably not fully grieved my losses. It has seeped out, but in order to follow the advice above, I have always just pushed the feelings down further, until they seep out a little, then I push them down again, and on and on and on. I guess there is a time when it comes spouting out of you and you can't stop it. I guess I'm there, or getting there.

So hearing about my pain and reading my blog is hard for those who love me. They, understandably, would rather we just go merrily along our way. They want to see me happy and content with all of the wonderful gifts I have been given. My point of today's post: SO DO I! I want to be content. I want to be at peace. I am not naive. I know life is a constant rollercoaster. There will always be down times. But there comes a point when you have to reach out for help, or you may never be on the top of the coaster again but instead just stuck at the bottom...knowing there is a much better place ahead...you just can't get there. Or worse, you just say "fuck it," and get off the rollercoaster all together, and that is my greatest fear. That, I keep telling myself, would hurt those who love me even more than the therapy and blogging might.

Certainly, I want those around me and who love me to read my blog...today I consider stopping writing it, because I don't want it to be a source of pain for anyone. Richard convinced me that I have to write it, for no one else but me. I have to put it out there. How lucky I am to have someone who loves me that much; who is willing to hold my hand through a very scary ordeal; who is willing to say, "screw the world," lets do what we know is right. 

Really, the choice is yours. There are thousands of blogs on the internet these days, and certainly many that are more interesting than my dribbling. So feel free not to read - I completely understand, but for me, this is necessary. For me, I will continue to delve. In the end, those who love me will hopefully be most happy when I learn how to deal with what I am feeling and come away a better, more content, more complete version of myself.