When They Knew

I have written and told the story of how we figured out I had cancer many times. The truth is, I am writing a story I have heard my mom tell me. I don't remember the details of being diagnosed. I was four years old.

I remember very odd details, like the couch I sat on as my mom and dad tried to figure out why I was screaming that my leg hurt. I remember my twin, Amy, trying to get me to play with her.

But I definitely do not remember the next days and weeks when my parents took me from our small town in Iowa to a bigger city to see if they knew what "showed up on the x-rays." In fact, they did. Ewings Sarcoma. A rare bone cancer that typically effects children and young people 10-20 years old. It was unusual in a four year old. Of course. My life is one unusual circumstance after another. That's me: unusual.

The hospital where I was diagnosed recommended that we go to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota, which was about a two hour drive from home. Of course, that's what my parents did.

Later, they told me I cried when we left the parking lot to head to Mayo. I was crying that I just wanted to go home. I had no idea I cried. In my mind I have ALWAYS, I mean ALWAYS been stoic about my treatment. It made me oddly happy to know I cried about it then. I quickly learned it was easier, much easier, to hide what I was feeling. To put on a front of strength. It wasn't always a front. I do believe strongly in "sucking it up and kicking ass." But I knew that if I cried, so did those around me. I just could stand that.

As a mother, I look back and wonder how my mom and dad did it. How they coordinated the lives of the other five they had still living at home. As an adult, my heart aches for my siblings. It is a guilt that I deal with and will talk more about on this blog. What they lost, what they missed, what needs they had that were left unfulfilled because their sister had cancer. I guess you could say, and I think my mom and dad might have said, "Do you want to trade places with her?" Of course they didn't. We were all in a no win situation.

I've learned and come to accept in life that it is okay to do the best you can and let that be good enough. I say I've "accepted" it. My husband would say that's a "stretch." I work on it every day might be a more truthful statement.

I think my mom also taught us to find good in what we could. We still had so many fun times. Family get togethers. We did not let the cancer stop that, and I really thank my parents for maintaining the normalcy that they could.

My goldendoodle is whining....off to take her outside. More tomorrow.