An Ex is Never Really an Ex

Since we have been in Kansas City, I have had the "opportunity" to spend lots of time with Nick's dad, Bill. He is the score keeper/statistician for Nick's team, and so he is at all of the games. We have a very civil relationship, and our post marriage relationship is actually something I'm pretty proud of. I have never trashed Bill in front of Nick, and I don't think Bill has spoken poorly of me, either. We work out weekends and are flexible for Nick's sake. I'm confident this is part of what makes Nick the great kid that he is. Of course a big, big, big part of this is also Richard. He lets Bill be Nick's dad when it appropriate and always picks up where he needs to - this is not an easy balance to maintain...as those of you who are divorced and remarried may know. 

I thought I would spend a few days writing about my relationship with Bill and how and why I ended up on the path I did with him. I remember the days around the beginning of our relationship with a sharp, sharp clarity that I wish would sometimes become more of a blur. It is in many ways painful and embarrassing. On the other hand, I can never doubt my time with Bill as "part of the plan," because it was through my marriage to Bill that I was blessed with Nick. So how can I say that it was a mistake? 

I also know now that when I married Bill I did so for one huge reason: everyone else was getting married, this was my opportunity to do the same, and I was not going to pass it by. I just wasn't. In the beginning, Bill was hugely romantic - he sent flowers, notes, and made candlelight dinners. Perhaps this should have been a big red flag! : ) Do men really do these things? I was enamored by the attention. I remember making a late night run to Taco Bell with my friend and roommate, Emily, and she said, "I guess you guys will get married." It was very early on in the relationship, but we were at the end of our college days, getting ready to embark on the real world, and it just seemed time to start looking for a partner.

I really saw no reason not to marry Bill. He was romantic, funny, and doting. He was not particularly good with money, and there were times when I sensed he had a temper, but I was still not going to let this opportunity pass me by. Why? This is the embarrassing part: would there be anyone else out there who would want a person with one leg? 

Hind sight is definitely 20/20 - or even better in this case. After I met, dated, and married Richard, I understood what true love, passion, and devotion were about. I knew what it was "supposed" to feel like, and I knew that I had settled with Bill. When people ask me why we got divorced, I usually say that it was because he had a gambling addiction that led to many other serious problems in our relationship and lives. I do not throw in the fact that I married him because I wanted to get married. I did care about Bill, and I did try and feel what I was supposed to feel. But underneath everything was a current of uncertainty, fear, and restlessness. In my mind was always the thought: "This was a big mistake." I pushed the thought out as quickly as it entered, but it always came creeping back in.

While we were at one of the games this weekend, one of Bill's college friends stopped to see Nick play. I had met her 13 or 14 years ago when Bill and I were dating. We had spent quite a bit of time with her and her then boyfriend. Seeing her caused me to get a sort of sick feeling in my stomach. It is the feeling I get when I think about that time in my life. It seems like it was only yesterday in some ways, but in others it seems like an entire different lifetime. I am such a different person now. In so many ways. I was friendly to Bill's friend, and she sat down and we talked for quite a while, although all the time I was wishing she would leave, and all the while I was wanting to look her in the eye and say, "Listen, I'm really not the person I used to be back then. I much more confident and aware and comfortable with me these days. I didn't settle the second time. I waited for someone I felt deep in my soul was the one for me."

Of course, I doubt she wanted to hear all of this, so I just let the thoughts roll around in my head. Richard kept looking over at me and smiling. He knew I was uncomfortable. As we were talking, another thought came into my head that I find there often: "An ex is never really an ex." Bill is my ex husband, but he will - for better or worse - always be a part of me, of my history, of my story, of who I am. As Nick's father, he is involved in our lives directly. I think I've spent a good amount of time and emotional energy trying to figure out a way to rid my life of Bill and of all the self-conscious, self-doubt he represents. The thing is, it never works. It is what it is. I am who I am. There is no denying it. 

Here is a picture of Nick and his dad at one of the tournaments this summer. I took the picture for Nick...I think it's important for a kid to have pictures of his dad. For Nick's sake, I've always been civil with Bill. For my own sake, I've stopped fighting the fact that I got married for the wrong reasons. I've just said it and accepted it. I think now, I can continue becoming a better me.