A Good Cleaning

Ever since I have been sick this winter, I have not done much of anything around the house to keep up with my space. My office is one of my favorite places, but while I was sick, it became a dumping ground for all that didn't fit elsewhere...open the door, throw it in. Needless-to-say, it was a wreck. I mean a wreck.

I spent the day today, with my parents' and Nick's help, reorganizing my office, as it is going to be an important space as I start my photography business. I got a new computer, and I wanted to feel together, as I always do when my office is clean.

I found that cleaning the office was pretty therapeutic. As I have felt more and more like myself, I have found that little steps make it more so. I have started mowing the lawn again, for example, and that makes me feel like myself. Cleaning the office today was like saying, "That is over; on to new things."

I would have to say that getting my divorce was in some ways like a good cleaning. I don't mean to say that to be harsh or hateful. I spent a couple of years pretty worried about the mistake I knew I made. I don't really want to go into the details, because I don't want to share Bill's personal information, but it was a struggle financially, emotionally, and physically. We were in a constant state of flux as money, job, and situation was never on an even keel. Those who know me, know that this was terribly unsettling for me. 

I never, ever saw divorce as part of my "plan." Who does, right? I had thought and thought about it, but I always pushed the idea away. I wanted to be married for Nick's sake. I wanted to be married because this thought always invaded my mind: could I do this on my own? After many discussions with family and my closest friends, I decided I had tried as much as I could try. Staying in the marriage was hurting me and Nick more than it was helping. I was embarrassed and ashamed, but mostly I felt at peace, and that is how I knew I had made the right decision.

Don't get me wrong. It was so hard, and without my parents and family, I don't think I could have done it. The first Christmas I had to drop Nick off at his Dad's just about killed me. I felt a hollow in me that I've never felt before. With time and compromise on both of our parts, it has become easier....never easy, but easier. I have always been a believer that Nick would react to his leaving much in the same way I did, so I always tried to act upbeat and positive. I told Nick I would miss him, but we'd be back together soon. He was only one when the divorce happened, so he's really known no different. That makes me sad, but I know many years later, that this was the right thing.

A long time ago, I mentioned that I would share a poem/prayer I got while at the asylum. The prayer really changed my thoughts on some things. I will write more about that tomorrow, but I wanted to share it with you and let you think about it first.

You are who you are for a reason.

You're part of an intricate plan.

You're a precious and perfect unique design,

Called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.

Our God made no mistake.

He knit you together within the womb,

You're just what he wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones he chose, 

And no matter how you may feel,

They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,

And the bear the Master's seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.

And God wept that it hurt you so;

But it was allowed to shape your heart

So that in his likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason,

You've been formed by the Master's rod.

You are who you are, beloved,

Because there is a God!

Russell Kelfer