In the Blink of an Eye

Today was, well, amazing. Nothing really, really out of the ordinary or particularly amazing happened. EXCEPT for the following:

-I went into town to run errands with no crying or anxiety about leaving the house.

-I dropped off some art pieces at Initially Yours, where I am displaying some art for sale.

-I picked up my beautiful boy at school, looked over his papers, and took him to get his weekly allergy shot.

-I went out to dinner with Richard and Nick.

-I watched a great night of TV but especially the Michael J. Fox show on optimism. Amazing.

-I talked to my sister, Vicki.

So, yeah, it was a great day. It reminds me how quickly things can change. How in the blink of an eye, things can change - for the better or worse - but today I got the better half. Thank you, God. 

Finding out I was pregnant with Nick was most definitely a "change in the blink of an eye," moment. To say the very least. I did not think we were ready financially for a baby. In the back of my mind, however, was hearing the doctors talk about the possibility of infertility as a result of chemotherapy. I thought, therefore, that getting pregnant might be quite an "ordeal" as are many things in my life. Well, I was wrong. A month into the effort - a slight pink line on the pregnancy test. 

I called Amy first. My question: If the line is just light, does that still count. "Yes!" she said excitedly. I remember the whole thing so vividly. I was excited, so excited and surprised. Not far behind came fear and insecurity. How would I manage this pregnancy? How would I carry a baby and not worry about falling? How? How? How? The questions piled up in my mind and heart, but I refused to let them out.

As I told others about my pregnancy, I could see the concern in their eyes as well. They were excited, too, but behind the excitement, I knew they held the same questions I did. Still no one really spoke of the concerns. Not until I told my friend Kathy about my pregnancy. She is my dear, dear friend who is a nurse in pediatric oncology. She took care of me for a short time, and then as I got older, we decided to become friends. When I told her about my pregnancy, I did not have to wonder about her feelings. They were written all over her face. We were at a planning meeting for Camp Quality, when I told her. She had already heard my exciting news. Others were around, so she simply said, "You probably want to get a specialist in maternal fetal medicine. There may be some issues. We'll talk more later."

Issues? What issues? A few weeks later we were at Camp Quality, and she told me, "They may ask you if you want to have an abortion." An abortion? What? "There are new studies that are showing childhood cancer survivors can have serious problems in pregnancy."

Immediately I was in tears (a sign of my raging hormones, for sure).  "What kind of problems?"

Well, it's not very well understood yet, but when you are pregnant, your heart has to work twice as hard. People who have had as much adrimycin as you have had sometimes can't withstand the stress on their hearts."

"And they die?"

"Well, not necessarily. Some have congestive heart failure and there are other issues. Listen, you don't know. You need to see that specialist, and they will know more." 

I look back and am so thankful I had Kathy there to give me the "scoop," as hard as it was to hear. Still, I don't think either of us had an inkling of the journey on which we were about to embark. As are most of the most precious moments and times in life, the journey was filled with the greatest pain and fear possible and at the same time the greatest joy possible. It was a time in my life that seems like just yesterday....

And now my baby is eleven and bringing home information about the human sexuality unit they are going to be covering next week. He handed me the paper and dashed out of the room. I came out of the bathroom, and he was standing there in my bedroom. I let out a big, joyous "WhooHOO! Human sexuality! How exciting!"

He replied without missing a beat, "Oh geez, Mom, she said they don't even get into any of the real detail until next year!"

Thank goodness!!!! because time seems to be moving just a little too quickly for this mother of one. Nick was my ultimate gift from God - my one chance to be a mom. How thankful I am for that chance.

The evening of the day Kathy and I had our talk at Camp Quality we were "graced" with presence of performers Paul and Win Grace. They were regular performers at camp, and their daughter, Ellie, had become part of the camp staff and is a dear friend. They sang a song that night for me, called "Child of Mine." You can listen to the song here. My favorite part of the song is as follows and is something I think about so often. It says....

Child of MINE,

where SPIRITS fly above,

there is just ONE that belongs to you.

Let it grow, let it GROW,

and it will thrive on LOVE,

for it is LOVE that sees us through...