Just One Bad Day

I am, as usual, lying in bed, the fan humming softly, Richard breathing regularly, Daisy sleeping peacefully, and I am reflecting on a day that was not one of my best. I am not sure of the triggers or what causes these "fits," "episodes of emotion," "breakdowns," whatever name you might give them. I just become overwhelmed, and I have a MOMENT. 

Today's moment was, as are most, followed by a conversation with Richard....today, in fact, the conversation/argument was happening in the midst of the moment - not a good idea. I end up walking away each time with the same feeling: It must be so hard to be married to me. Even today, Richard seemed to lose it himself a bit, and that was hard for me, as he is usually the epitome of self control. "This is not normal," he repeated several times of my breakdown.

I am not sure...is it normal? It has been my normal, but I am sure that doesn't make it "right." The thing is, "normal" and "right," they are so relative to each person's experience, upbringing and personality. I know I am meant to be with Richard, and yet it seems like we are such polar opposites. 

As down as he is on my "moments," I have to believe I'm okay. I'm normal (although I am going to double check tomorrow with my therapist - thank God for her!) I have a deep belief that a person, and I think a woman especially, must hold tight to her value and worth in her relationships. There is such a fine line between holding onto your worth and the willingness to change your bad habits for the sake of your loved ones. I want to control my emotions better, but I will never be able to hold them in as Richard does. It isn't in me, and I guess I don't want to apologize for that. The amazing thing is that he agrees. He hugs me and tells me he loves me at the end of the conversation today. It can't get any better than that. 

Still I have a nagging guilt. I go back and forth between "I need to change my ways" and "Screw you, I am who I am," and everything in between. I am in awe each day of marriage and relationships in general and how wonderfully difficult and rewarding they are at the very same time.

And as if she can sense my hurting, the phone rings, and it is Amy. I tell her about my day and its difficulties. She reminds me, "It's just ONE bad day. You are going to have those."

How lucky I am to have those I love in my life...to hold me up, to reinforce my weaknesses and remind me of my blessings.

Have you told someone you love them today?