A Mom

Hi all! I hope this finds everyone happy and healthy. I have been a busy bee lately! : ) I am actually getting over my "agorophobia" or fear of leaving the house. I went to two retirement parties this weekend - that was stepping WAYYYYYYY out there for me! I'm feeling more and more like myself. I don't think I'll be stopping counseling anytime soon, though. We have just scratched the surface, and it is so awesome to have someone to talk to who really seems to get it. I want to continue my story of Nick's birth, as the days immediately following were drama packed, as you might expect by now.

The terrible thing about Nick having to go to the NICU, was that I was unable to leave my unit for at least a day, while they monitored my heart and the redistribution of fluids in my body. I honestly felt as though my child was on another planet. Finally, in the early evening on the day of his birth, a transport nurse brought Nick into see me. Bill was there. I held him for the first time. The main thing I remember is Bill telling me, "If you put your hand above his eyes, to shade them from the light, he'll open his eyes." He was right.

Instead of feeling joy, I was insanely jealous and sad that my husband already knew the "tricks," the ins and outs of Nick, while I was stuck in the hospital room. Bill got to be in the NICU, introducing Nick to family members and watching as the nurses bathed him, fed him, and got him settled. 

Again, a nurse came to my rescue - notice this is a recurring theme in my life. The transport nurse, probably a mother herself, seemed to sense my pain. Before she took Nick back to the NICU, she bent down and whispered, "I will bring him back later tonight, when you are alone, and you can have some mom and son time." It was just what I needed.

And sure enough, at about 11:00 pm, she returned with Nick. She told me she was going to step out, so we could have some time. Then she suggested I lower my gown, and lay Nick's tiny body directly on mine - skin to skin. She said it helps the baby to heal and grow. I followed her advice but was sure it was mostly helping ME to heal and grow. It was the most tender, beautiful, memorable moment. It is one I share often with Nick - whether he wants to hear it or not....:)

It was only a few days later, when the doctors decided I could go home. Unfortunately, Nick was not eating on his own, and so he had to stay at the hospital. Finally, I got to see the world again...I should be thrilled, no? No! It was horrible leaving Nick behind. And it was horrible leaving my safe nest behind. I felt scared and guilty that I did not want to leave the hospital. I knew that the world awaited me, and I wasn't sure how I would fair as a mom. I was not sure, although I didn't want to admit it, how Bill and I would fair together as parents. I longed to stay in the safety of the walls I'd been contained to for 10 weeks. 

I cried the entire way home and most of the evening. I ended up going back to Columbia to feed Nick. I just couldn't stand being away from him. They gave me a number and said I could call any time I felt like it. And I did. But it wasn't the same as having him all to myself. 

Even worse than all of that was how I was feeling physically. I knew something was terribly wrong, and I was scared to death to admit it. I was having a hard time breathing. I was coughing every time I would lay my head on a pillow. I did not sleep at all the first night I was home - partially because of my desire to be with Nick, and partially because I could not breathe. 

This was an ENTIRELY different feeling than one I'd ever had before - both physically and emotionally. I was never so afraid in all of my life. It was so different knowing that someone, a tiny little being, needed me. I HAD to be okay. There was just no option. I could not be sick. I could not die. After all I had gone through, I had my baby, and I so desperately wanted the chance to be with him. I so desperately wanted a chance to simply be....

a mom.