Jealousy?

Good Evening!

I was perusing Facebook today - actually I was on there for a "work" related reason, and then got a bit distracted. I came upon a dear friend's page and noticed that she had added some pictures to her page. One of the albums was of a very nice vacation recently enjoyed. I am ashamed to say that when I saw a picture of her, in shorts, enjoying herself and her children so much, I was overcome with insane jealousy. It is not an emotion I have felt for a long time, and I hate how it feels. It made me stop and think, though....

I have been meaning to call several friends. For some reason, I just cannot make myself do it. When I looked at that picture today, I began to wonder if part of what is keeping me from calling friends is a fear of the feeling of jealousy creeping back in. I have kept in touch with the outside world through an almost nightly phone call with my dear, dear friend, Jennifer. I am sure that the reason I feel comfortable talking with her, is that she is one of the few I know gets "it" because she has as much or more "shit" to deal with in life. She knows what the pain is about. 

Is this fair to my other friends? Of course not. Again, embarrassment, shame, fear creep in. I just keep telling myself that I am doing the best I can right now. I certainly do not wish any hardship on anyone, especially my dear friends, but it is so difficult to explain what I am going through, and some days I just can't "pretend." I used to be great at pretending, and that seems to have gone out the window. This is definitely on the growing list of things I want to address with my counselor. 

The really, really, really silly thing is, when I step back and look at my life, I think to myself: "Others are probably jealous of this life." Take tonight for example. Nick stayed the night with my mom, so Richard and I took the early part of the evening to go fishing. We have a five acre lake that Richard built himself. It is absolutely beautiful. We found a spot, Richard flipped over a five gallon bucket for me to sit on, and we went to town. I caught several fish, and it was a lovely evening. What in the world do I have to be jealous of?

And still, I am on a daily basis so glad that others are not able to hear my thoughts....Amy says they are usually written all over my face anyway, but I'm working on that! : ) Daily negative thoughts that I fight off:

-What the f*&! do you have to complain about?

-Could you look any better in that outfit?

-I am fat.

-I am ugly.

-I hate my fake leg.

-I hate my skin.

-I wish I made more money like I used to.

And on and on and on. Negative self-talk is sooooooo damaging, and I know that. But stopping them is so much easier said than done. Don't you think?

Yes, I realize these are all "normal" emotions and  yet I am surprised each day how I can so easily get stuck in these negative moments. I usually turn to my art to redirect, or like tonight, fishing. I have plans to go on an overnight with some girlfriends this weekend - something I craved before. I am still looking forward to it, and trying to think positively, but wondering how I will feel come Friday night when it is time to actually go. I am going to TRY and focus every moment of the "anxious time" on the fact that I am insanely blessed with wonderful friends (including my twin, Amy) who not only put up with me but encourage me, laugh with me, cry with me, and let me know that it's absolutely fine to be so jacked up. 

I cannot believe that tomorrow is Thursday already! Wow! The days and weeks are just flying by. I think in the next few days, to celebrate Mother's Day, I will write about what it has been like for me to be a mom and what I/we went through to have Nick. It's a great story with an even greater ending! : ) Stay tuned....