Roller Coaster Day

Today I had a roller coaster day. Is roller coaster all one word? I can't remember. Anyway, it began by not sleeping well last night. It was 4 am, and I was still awake. I finished a novel, thought I could go to sleep and just tossed and turned. Eventually I went to the guest room, which has a 19 ft. ceiling in it and a huge window. It feels like you are sleeping outside. The moon was shining so brightly, it was almost as if a light was on. Around 4, I finally went into a fitful sleep full of weird dreams. So, I woke up tired and cranky. Not a good start for me.

I was scheduled to meet with a store owner today to show her my artwork and pendants. I wanted so badly to be excited. I love doing the art business (which I am not really sure you could actually call a business at this point), but I feel like I am crippled with self-doubt and fear....emotions that are new to me in terms of pursuing my goals. Those who know me well, know that when I want something, especially professionally, I just go for it. I have in the past had every confidence in myself as a counselor, teacher, speaker, writer, and advocate. As I mentioned before, this has slowly been draining out of me for the last several years. This blog is very therapeutic for me, and I find myself looking forward to writing in it. But it is fairly "safe," and I think that is why I like it.

Part of my struggle right now involves leaving the house. It is so embarrassing to write about or even admit, but it is true. On the days, like today, that I know I have something to do where I have to leave the house, I am wrought with anxiety.... I become irritable and I physically hurt. It pretty much comes to a "head" when I actually have to get in the shower and get myself dressed and ready to go. I am still badly scarred from the drug reaction I had at the end of February. I have these big purple splotches and marks all over me. I guess one would think that someone with one leg wouldn't care about something like this. But it's like it is just one thing more. Now it is getting warm outside - and I'm always sweating anyway, and I don't want to wear short sleeves or capris because of how I look. Plus I've gained weight.....ugh, the list goes on. I know this is a common thing, probably especially for women, but it has become a serious burden/obstacle in my life at this point. I get shaky while in the shower, and today I cried and cried while I did my hair, tried to put make up on, got dressed and left the house. I kept repeating, "I don't want to go," but there was a tiny part of me that also knows I just cannot give up. I wish I could explain, though, how much effort it took to leave the house today. 

Richard drove me in to my appointment, and thank goodness we live 20 minutes out of town, so I could get my shit together before I got there. Richard held my hand, and I took deep breaths, and by the time we were at the highway (about seven miles down the road), the feeling began to subside. This is the usual pattern. Part of what is making this so hard for me is knowing how unlike me it is. I used to HATE sitting at home. We were always, always on the go. I feel like some creepy person out of a book or someone who might be on Oprah one day: Today's show - Women Who Haven't Left Their Homes in Weeks. This is really stupid of me, too, because I'm a counselor. I know these issues exist and that there is nothing BAD or creepy or freakish about it, but I still feel those things on top of the anxiety.

Basically, I have a short list of things that help me get through these times:

1.  Richard. He is my rock right now. What would I do without him? I can't think about that either - more anxiety.

2.  Nick. He needs me to show him how to work through problems, to FIGHT, to not give up or give in, to ask for help.

3.  The blog.

4.  Medication and counseling....both of with which I have love/hate relationship.

5.  Paula Dean. Did you know Paula Dean was an agorophobic? Not sure if I spelled that right, but it is someone who is afraid of leaving home. Such a wonderful "title" to add to my list of medical titles. Paula doesn't really help me THAT much, but it does help me to know there is success possible beyond all of this.

6.  My Family. My mom and sisters may be pissed I ranked Paula above them, but it's not really a ranking just a list. My family continues to be such a support to me, and I think I have grown in my relationships with my family through this, especially my sisters, and especially Lori. I love you, Lori.

7.  My friends.

8.  My faith. 

I could list a few other things, but then I might actually not even be able to complain because my short list is getting long, and so what do I really have to complain about?

Right now, I am having an okay moment, and so I can write and joke. What I felt earlier today, though, is very real and very painful and when I am in those moments, I just want to give up. I will continue to muddle through. I know, I believe, I trust that it will get better. I will be confident again. Someday...

P.S. Thanks for those who have written and called to support me in writing this blog. I appreciate it so much. Some have asked how to leave comments. Just click where it says "Comment" below the post.  I know, it's seems obvious, but I have a few computer illiterate readers....and you know who you are! Ha! Ha!