A Sick Mom

Did you have a good day? I did, although I was sleepy today and struggling with allergies. It was so nice outside, and we spent part of the evening riding around the farm, so that I could take pictures. I got a great picture of the sky reflected in a small stream that runs through the farm. I will try and post that tomorrow. I had an amazing counseling session yesterday and am realizing that delving into self-exploration is exciting but also very scary and overwhelming. It is so hard for me to consider doing this for myself, knowing I may be hard to live with in the process. But I know I have to do it. And as my counselor said, "You might want to warn those you love that you could be a bit of a mess as we go through this. It is a complicated deal, Angie. They may feel uncomfortable, too, but too bad so sad!" Her words help me feel liberated and refreshed, but almost immediately I feel myself revert back to my people pleasing but sometimes harsh self....my regular routine. I am learning....

So back to my story about Nick's birth and the days that followed. I continued to feel tired and knew there was something wrong. When I look back on it, I know I should have gone immediately to the ER. I was so tired of the hospital, though, and I was afraid. So instead, I saw my resident doctor (not my specialist) on the floor when I was at the hospital visiting Nick. I told him about my symptoms, and he assured me that I was just getting used to being up and around and then prescribed me some cough medicine.

Two more days went by...I continued to visit Nick at the hospital and continued to complain to several nurses and docs I saw while there that I "just wasn't feeling right." It was through the grapevine that Dr. Floyd heard I was not feeling well. He had given me his card, even with his home number on it, and told me to call if there was anything wrong. Of course, I did not. I guess I was afraid of making a big deal out of nothing. As I was in the NICU that morning, three days after Nick's birth, the nurse approached me and said sternly, "Dr. Floyd would like to see you in his office - immediately."

I knew he was not going to be happy, and I knew this was the moment I would find out what was really wrong. My mom was with me, and we went to the Dr. Floyd's clinic. They walked me right back - which is never a good sign. When he came in the room, Dr. Floyd was just shaking his head. "What did I tell you?" he asked in a gentle voice and continued before I could answer. "I told you to call me if anything, anything came up. And so I hear today that you have been asking residents and nurses what is the matter with you. Angie, this is serious, I'm afraid. Let me take a listen to you."

He listened to my heart and lungs, and I could see utter concern on his face. I couldn't say anything. He said, "I am going to send you back over to the hospital for an echo of your heart. It sounds to me as if you have some fluid building up."

The next thing I really remember is getting the echo. The tech performing the test was a woman I knew well - I had several echos in my weeks at the hospital and prior, so she was a familiar face. Again, as she did the test, I saw the same concern on her face as I did on Dr. Floyd's. She called my cardiologist in the room. She looked at my beating heart on the monitor, and again - concern.

FINALLY, she said matter-of-factly, "You have congestive heart failure. This means your heart is not pumping strongly enough and therefore is enlarged. This causes fluid to build up in your body. I am going to have to admit you to the hospital. We will give you medicine to get rid of your excess fluid, and we will start you on some heart medications to get this under control."

Still, I could not speak. My mom bravely asked, "Does this go away?"

"Well," the doctor started tentatively. "Sometimes it can be a temporary condition related to the pregnancy. We give the meds and it gets better. Other times the heart is irreversibly damaged, but we will hope for the best."

"And if it is damaged?" I just had to know the whole story.

"Worse case, a heart transplant could be needed. But lets just take this one step at a time. Okay?"

Just a few hours later, I was like a new woman, as far as my physical feeling. I could breathe again. The medicine they gave me caused me to pee out an IMMENSE amount of fluid. It was a rapid weight loss plan - but one I never care to be on again.  As good as I felt, I knew I was not out of the woods yet. It could be months before we knew for sure if the heart meds were working to correct the problem. For now, I was still able to go up and visit and feed Nick, and I was hoping and praying we would be released on the same day. They assured me that they would not send Nick home without me! Whew! What a relief.

That night I laid in the hospital bed feeling different than I had ever felt in a hospital bed before. The stakes were so much higher now. I was needed. No one else could be there for the precious baby sleeping two floors above me. It had to be me. I was scared and frustrated knowing that just days into his life, my baby was like all those in my life - wrapped up in my illness. I guess I hoped being a mom would remove me from being "sick" as I had been my whole life, and now I knew that wasn't the case, and I was heartbroken. 

But heartbroken or not, I was not going to stop fighting. I was going to do the best I could. I was still Nicholas Jay's mom - a sick mom, but a mom none the less. 

Nothing in the world would ever change that.