Vocation

I am sorry to report that I just paid money to watch Beverly Hills Chuhuahua (I never know how to spell that and am too lazy at the moment to look it up). Let me just say, it was not my favorite movie. More importantly, I sat in the same room with Nick for an hour and a half. We haven't had the opportunity to do that much lately. Of course, as soon as the movie was over, he said in his grown up "cool" dialect, "Seee yaaa! Cards are on, so I'm outta here!" Oh brother!

I have spent lots of time thinking over the last several months about my purpose in life. I was so afraid to stop working because I felt it would leave me with no purpose, and I have, in fact, let myself feel that way so much over the past few days. Richard and I have had many, many discussions about this in the past weeks. 

Last night, I helped Nick with some English homework. When he went to the other room, Richard commented, "And you think you have no purpose?" Okay, he got me there. 

In the Catholic church there is much discussion about one's vocation. It has to do with your path in life....a vocation to religious life (priest or nun), a vocation to the single life, the married life. Vocation also has to do with one's purpose in life. It is not a job - as in work for pay. It is a passion. It is what is in your soul to do with the time you have been granted in this life.

I have always felt part of my vocation is teaching. I feel - and I say this in the most modest way - that I was born to be a teacher. This does not mean that I have to have a job teaching in the classroom. This blog, for example, can be my teaching tool. My interactions with Nick are almost always about teaching...although sometimes he is the one teaching me! : )

At the asylum, we were in a group session, and I was sitting quietly and listening a young guy talk about his life experiences. He was speaking specifically about his anxiety and inability to talk to other people, especially people in public.

With out even thinking, I turned my body to face him and said. "Okay, lets pretend you and I are sitting at a park. I am going to look your way, and you say, 'Hi, how are you?' Are you ready?" 

He seemed kind of shocked, but he agreed to play along. I turned back around and faced the others, and really was pretending I was in the park. I looked his way, and he said, "Hi, how are you?" His face was bright red, but a huge smile broke out across his face when he finished speaking. I was equally excited as were the others in the group. I clapped and did a fist pump in the air. 

"YES!" I said excitedly. "Seeeee, you can do it. That wasn't that hard was it?"

"Well, not really," he agreed.

Suddenly I realized that I had completely taken over the group. I looked at our therapist, who was grinning. 

"Well, thanks Angie. My job was fairly easy today."

There is absolutely nothing in life that moves me like teaching someone. In the days and weeks to follow, I know I need to keep this in mind. When I am down and feel I have no purpose, I need to remember my love of teaching. 

What I am beginning to wonder is if I can teach myself. I mean, I know I can. I taught myself to knit from a book. I know it's possible. But how to do you teach yourself to accept what you see in the mirror? How do you teach yourself to let go? Perhaps most importantly, how to do you teach yourself to be open to learning? Teachers are often the worst at being taught. After all, we are sure we know everything! Just kidding, sort of. I need to be open to learning from my therapist and from those around me. I have closed myself off for fear of the ugly flip side of every situation. I feel my courage coming back, though. I feel the door opening again. 

What comes in the door and what goes out should prove rather interesting!