Be a Good Girl

I am having a really, really good day. I hope you are to. I am so excited about the comments! :) This is really silly, I know, but it does help to be encouraged. I don't feel weird in my dark bedroom writing my innermost thoughts, but when I see someone in public and they say, "How are you? Are you feeling more like living these days?" it sort of freaks me out. Yes, this did happen to me yesterday.

One comment from my sister said I should not be so hard on myself, and this is something I talk to my counselor about. It is hard for me to consider mediocrity. I am not saying I am a superstar at everything I do, but in general I try to do everything I do to the best of my ability. I am also pretty competitive, and I like to keep ahead of the game. It feels good to be good at what you do. It is something I have thrived on my entire life. I guess everyone does this to some extent....but what makes some people overachievers?

My parents always insisted that we be respectful as kids. This carried into my treatment as well. There was one doc I was particularly annoyed with in my teenage years. I admit I was pretty sarcastic and unpleasant to him at times. Of course I thought he deserved it, as he seemed to be a real doof at times. My mom would often "scold" me by saying, "Angela, you should really be nicer. He is doing the best he can." My response was: "Too bad that isn't good enough."

Often I get myself in trouble by my harshness. I have so little tolerance for others at times and expect them to strive for greatness like I lead myself to believe I do. The funny thing is, it really never seems to be enough in my mind. I have never done enough - there is always more I could and should do in my mind.

There was one day we were in a counseling staff meeting at work. We were discussing scholarships and a set of twins who were a bit unequal in their academic achievement. Both were great kids but one was at the very top of the class, getting scholarships, etc...I commented that I could understand that situation, being a twin myself. One of my co-workers, who does not know Amy, said, "Yeah, but at least you were the smarter one."

I was shocked and laughed. "No, you've got that wrong. I was not the smart one. Amy was always at the top of the class and much more academically successful."

"Wow!" the co-worker replied. "Knowing you, I would have never guessed that."

This is something I still think of often today. The descrepancy between how we see ourselves and how others see us is amazing. The truth of who we are is probably somewhere in between how we see ourselves and how others see us. I am always sure I know what others are thinking of me - that my hair looks bad that day or that I'm being a bitch. The truth is I don't really know what others think unless they tell me. This is often a hard fact for me to accept.

I wonder if this comes from years of wondering what others think of me. Again, we all do this, but I think I am overly sensitive of others' opinions. When I was little, it was always a goal of mine to get a sticker at the end of my visit at Mayo. I would try and be the best I could be - brave and strong. I felt my "worth" depended on it. I don't know how I gathered that, but I did. I very much have the suck it up attitude, and I know I get that from my dad. It serves a person well in the most difficult of situations. However, I wonder how far is too far. When is it okay to let your guard down and just say, "This sucks!" Is it ever okay just to throw an out and out fit about life? I never thought so, until recently, and mostly I'm still torn. When I talk to Nick and when I counseled kids at school, I almost always go with the, "that's really to bad but deal with it" philosophy. Does this make me harsh or brave? or neither?

When I was involved with Camp Quality, a camp for kids with cancer, it was always expected that the kids be respectful. When I became the director, it was important to me that we continue this tradition. One afternoon, we had guest singers who were staying after their performance for dinner. We lined up at dinner for a buffet style service. One of the staff members let me know that "Mike" (change of name to protect the innocent : )) had butted in line in front of our guest performers saying, "I eat before you because I'm dying."

This was a twelve year old kid whose actions were obnoxious as all get out - even if he did have cancer, and I stand by the idea that it is important to admit to these things. Just because a child - or anyone for that matter - has cancer, it does not mean we have to like what their actions or choices they make. I have to admit that I was pretty fired up at Mike upon hearing about his announcement to the guests. One of the frustrating things was that Mike was actually doing quite well at this time and not in any real immediate danger of dying. He was not terminal, in other words.

I got my emotions in check and took Mike for a ride on the golf cart....It was never a good thing to get a ride on the golf cart! : ) I was calm but stern. I told him what I heard and asked him if this was true. He admitted that it was. I stopped the golf cart, turned to him and said, "Listen, we are all dying. Every one of us. Just because you are going through a difficult time - a really difficult time - does not mean you have rights to be rude or to use your situation to get your way."

He got kind of teary eyed, and for a moment I thought I had been too harsh. In the very next moment, my heart told me to stand strong. I assured him - still being serious and stern - that this was a great lesson to learn. I told him that I thought he had a lot of potential to use his experiences to do great things....and then I smiled, "but while you are here, you are not going to get any special points for having cancer. I consider you to be just as normal as any Joe Shmoe on the street."

He smiled back. I think it meant a lot to him to have someone call him on his little game. I think he was relieved to find out that his experience as a cancer survivor really didn't mean he was "special." Who he was - his personality and spunk - that is what made him special. Yes, his treatment probably formed some of that, but it certainly wasn't everything. I think about Mike and that conversation, and I try to tell myself the same thing: I am who I am, and I should always try and be the best I can be. 

And on the days when I don't earn that "sticker" because I've been a "witch" or because I've been indulging in a major pity party...well, those days I'm still working on. I'm working on accepting those days as part of the package. I'm working on accepting all of me...not just the good girl who earned the sticker.

Every time I upload a file, it says "internal error." I'm not sure what that means. I'll investigate more and work on posting art tomorrow. I promise! I guess I might have to start whipping out some poetry...at least I don't have to upload that.

Thanks again for the comments!