Ughhhhhhhh

Hey. I have had an exciting day....I have been working on "researching" photographers. I have had a good time looking at other photographer's websites - getting inspiration and ideas. I am the type of person that jumps right in and gets going on things. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing...I guess at times it could be a bit of both. I have had a dream to do this as a career for many, many years, and I am so excited that I can start to see it happening. I am so thankful for Richard encouraging me to go for it. I know not everyone has this. It's awesome.

I have been somewhat frustrated, confused, angry, unsure today even amid my excitement about the photography stuff. This is really hard to explain. If I explained it how it is going around in my head, I would definitely hurt someone's feelings because the things in my head are harsh. This is making no sense. Richard is laying beside me, and I said, "I don't know how to write this. I have no idea what to write."

This is what he said: "Write about how exciting the last few days have been for you. Write about how it is hard to push forward when fear and depression are lurking around the corner." I swear - word for word this is what he said. Who has this kind of man? I love him. I really do.

I think I may do a photo shoot of him. I wonder if I did, if anyone would be able to see in his eyes and hands and arms what I see. Comfort. Strength. Wisdom. 

Before I go to far, let me say he is a man. Annoyingly driven by items on a list to be accomplished. Moving forward with seemingly no emotion at times. But then he blurts something out like he did moments ago, and I am amazed.

In a way I feel I have grown up being married to Richard. I have always felt older than my age, I guess from my experiences, and I guess that is why it is possible for me to be married to someone who is 25 years older than me. (YIKES - that sounds like a lot when written on the screen!). He has taught me a lot about control and about commitment and reliability. I think I have taught him some about passion and sharing and FUN! : ) I think he only started dancing in his underwear after he met me! 

One thing he really gets about me is what I was going to write about earlier....and that is my  lack of sympathy for others going through difficult times. I can look at the situation and have empathy to a certain extent, but I am very much of the "pull up your big girl (or boy) panties and deal with it" philosophy. I have so little tolerance for people who just wallow in their miserableness, unable to ask for or accept help. I'm a counselor for goodness sake! I sound like a real B@#!. But really, when does sympathy become enabling? Do you give a homeless person on the street money? I don't. Is this bad?

I have a LOT of anger inside me about people I know (and some that I love) ruining their bodies with substances. I KNOW it is an illness. I KNOW it is an addiction. I KNOW it is terribly hard to quit drinking, quit smoking, etc....but still, no kindness. The worst part is I hate seeing what they are doing to themselves but it REALLY irks me that it affects me, Richard, and Nick. Whenever I am sick, one of the first things I think about is how those who love me are going through me being sick - AGAIN. And so I guess it pisses me off that others don't do the same. Why can others not see the damage they are inflicting?

Amy and I were discussing a person we know who is close to some family members and who is really having a hard time with life. This person has been without a job for over two years and is now losing his house and is going to move in with his daughter. Amy said, "I feel so sorry for him." And see, I don't. Not at all. Not even one little bit. In fact, I said it sucks for his daughter, and he will probably mooch off of her for the rest of his life and that he is able bodied. He could get a job at McDonalds or something. She said he has an illness (alcoholism), to which I replied, "Then get help." She thinks maybe he doesn't know where to get help. To which I replied, "Oh, please. What a bunch of bullshit. Look in the phone book, go to the ER, get it together!" So we continued the conversation back and forth, eventually discussing why it is I feel the way I feel. I said this is something I may talk with Jane (my therapist) about tomorrow. She thinks this is a good idea, because it does seem odd that I wouldn't be at least a little sad/sorry for him.

Is it a cop out or excuse for me to say that I've been through a lot, and so I don't have much patience for others getting themselves together? I don't think people need to be perfect. I DO think people should have a plan for themselves, responsibility for their well-being, and respect for the well-being of those around them. And by the way, I'd like to have world peace while I'm at it. : )

I have so much appreciated those who have supported me in my many, many ordeals, so I do not mean to sound ungrateful or unmindful of that. Whether others around me realize it or not, I do try and get up and go and have a plan for myself....not just for my sake but for the sake of those who love me. I don't want to see them hurting. Sometimes this drives me crazy - literally, and it is what caused me to contemplate suicide this year. I hate being a burden on others.  Perhaps this is why I have so little tolerance for others who are? 

This is a deep, deep and complicated topic. I am going to end now before no one ever reads this blog again because it is so....I don't know....WEIRD! :) Thanks for listening! 

The art for today is a digitally altered picture I took on the way to our lake. Normally where there is one dandelion, there are many, many more. This one was out there, seemingly all alone. It struck me - this is me. I look like I should be part of "the crowd." Really, I feel fragile and isolated and alone. But not always! Sometimes I feel unusual (in an exotic sense), beautiful, and just one of many! So yeah, this is me. Angie the Dandelion: