The Future

I keep reminding myself of the saying my sister Vicki gave to me: the best thing about the future is that it happens one day at a time.

I think it is hard to develop a business and to embark on reinventing yourself without thinking about the future. I spent all day today thinking about my photography business and all of the tasks I need to complete to make it a successful, enjoyable venture. Inevitably, I find myself swimming as hard as I can against a sea of self-doubt. In the next moment I am feeling like, "yeah, I can do this." There are just so many darn what-ifs in life, and I think when you've been through a lot, like I have, you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's hard not to think this way when the other shoe has dropped so many times. And it is exhausting fighting against the natural thoughts that come into my mind. As soon as I think something negative, I go into battle mode, fighting against that thought because if I don't, it just might consume me.

When I look back on my life, I am well aware that I never had my present situation in mind for myself. When I was just out of high school, I remember sitting with a friend, on her dock, late into the night, discussing where I saw myself heading. I told her then that I never really saw myself being a mom. I told her it just seemed so impossible. There were too many questions: Had the chemo left me sterile? How would I be pregnant and get around with one leg? How would I carry a baby? What would I do if I fell with the baby in my arms? How would I live with knowing my child was embarrassed of his mom with one leg? She encouraged me and told me that where there's a will there's a way. Still though, I doubted the possibility.

I try and think of my motherhood as an example of achieving more than I ever thought possible for myself. Very quickly behind that thought, comes memories of all of the trips to the ER over the past few years, with either Richard's or my health hanging in the balance. I certainly never expected those events either. Why does our mind focus so easily on the events that scare us and cause us to surrender our dreams?

The truth is, I have always wanted to be a photographer. A part of me thinks that the getting around part might be difficult. In my head, I choreograph how I would get around different settings where I might be taking pictures. I have no doubts that I am talented enough or smart enough. My doubt lies mostly in my physical abilities and in all the what-ifs that might get in the way. Will I have the will power to fight through those? I just don't know. I can feel myself gaining my strength and fight back, but having to fight through another difficult situation seems extremely daunting to me at this point. Richard keeps encouraging me and asking me, "Why are you so hard on yourself?"

Fear. I guess that's it. Fear of what might happen if I'm not hard on myself. Fear of what is up ahead...and harboring the idea that maybe if I think about all of the crap that could happen, then at least I'll be prepared and not be blind-sided. Logically, I know that it does no good to worry. Life happens. My heart won't let it go, though.

Tomorrow I am photographing my first baby and his toddler sister. I am so excited for this opportunity. I am way less nervous than I thought I would be, which is a good thing. Mostly, I am looking forward to being around people and for sharing my passion with them. After my session, I have a counseling appointment. I have lots to say this week, as it has been full of ups and downs. There are so many questions I wish my therapist could just answer for me. I know that's not how it works, though. I know the answers have to come from within.

I will post some pics tomorrow.