Crying

Before I start officially writing today, I want to stop and say a word about my spelling and grammar. Considering I used to be an English teacher, one might expect my grammar and spelling to be meticulous. Not so, obviously. So to my English teacher friends who are reading, or to any of you closet grammarians out there, I am sorry. I cannot spill my guts and worry about punctuation. It is just too much. The burden is too heavy! : )

I wrote last time about not crying when they told me about amputating my leg. This has been an issue my counselor and I have talked quite a bit about. I feel awkward at times because I have a hard time crying in front of other people. There have been times when I have, but it is usually out of anger, not sadness or sentimentality. The only three things that consistently make me cry are seeing/hearing children sing, the movie Stepmom, and the ending of Rocky IV.

I know, I'm a freak! : )

I know if Richard read this, he would have a hard time believing it, so let me say that I do cry in front of Richard. He has never said, "don't cry," and I really appreciate that about him. Unfortunately, he bears the brunt of most of my crying - I guess all husbands have that pleasure to some extent. The past three years, with all of the trials and tribulations we have encountered, have brought on even more tears than usual.

When it comes to crying around other people, I just feel very, very uncomfortable. I do not feel uncomfortable if someone else is crying. In fact, I think I'm pretty good at listening, talking them through it, etc....(I guess I should be if I'm a counselor, for goodness sake!) Even when I was younger, other girls would be crying at movies, at 8th grade graduation, at the cards in Hallmark. Me - nothing. 

Tonight I had dinner with some dear girlfriends from my teaching "family." One of our special group is moving out of state. Tonight's dinner was to celebrate her and to have a good gossip session before she leaves. We gave her a touching poem that one of our friends wrote about our group, and everyone was shedding tears. Not me. I did, however, cry on the way home, listening to music in the privacy of my car. 

Because I am usually wondering what others are thinking about me, I wonder if others see this as a sign that I don't feel as much or care as much. This is certainly not the case at all. I think, though, that I do have a hard time expressing how I feel in words and "in person." I am great with writing. I have expressed myself many times in letters to friends and family and, of course, in this blog. But when it comes to speaking how I feel, it is much harder for me.

I have no problem speaking how I feel when I am angry. In fact, I have no problem crying out of anger, either. In fact, that is usually what happens when I become very hurt or angry. I cry. This makes arguments/confrontation very frustrating for me, because I am often a blubbering idiot. I wonder if so much anger comes out because I hold other things back....or maybe I am just plain overanalyzing the situation. Either way, I do know I feel awkward and inadequate at times because I cannot adequately explain how I feel. Often I give gifts to show how I feel but am often left wondering if the person got the point.

I have been thinking about this quite a bit lately - obviously. I have a counseling appointment on Wednesday, and I plan to share this with her. I have not cried when I am there. I almost always cry after I leave. Why can I not let myself go? Why is it so hard for me to shed tears of joy and sorrow at appropriate times?

After a bit of an up and down week, I feel content tonight. While I am still very much in a state of flux and self-exploration, I am feeling more and more a part of the real world every day, which is to say I feel like I am escaping the "funk" that has consumed me for months. If I was a crier, I might even be crying tears of joy! But alas, I am off to sleep, completely dry eyed and wondering if ever those tears might come.