Bummer

When I was a counselor, and I would have a kid come into my office to tell me about their woes for the day, one word almost always came out in response: bummer. Partly, I meant to show empathy - I really did care and wanted to be able to help so badly. Sometimes, the bummer came out with a more sarcastic tone, as if to say, "Don't feel sorry for yourself...." or "Get your shit together..." (because of course I couldn't say "shit" at school and oh how I sometimes wanted to).

I am having a bummer kind of a day. Last week and weekend were so busy, I hardly had a moment to think. Today, I woke up feeling tired and unmotivated and somewhat sad....do you ever feel sad but can't put your finger on why? I did take a luxurious nap, laying cross wise on my bed in front of the fan. Still, after waking up for the second time, I cannot shake this fog. 

Today is my mom's birthday. I have made her cute notecards that she has been desiring. I have an art order to fill, so I did that today as well. We are going to Amy's tonight for dinner - which is always, always, always delicious. Richard is fishing with some friends and was torn - fishing or dinner at Amy's - a genuinely hard choice. Thinking about this makes my heart feel full, because Richard has only recently really started to enjoy our extended family time. He is private and quiet and from a small family. Our routine "togetherness" has been somewhat difficult for him to get used to. But today he was very disappointed to know he was going to miss Amy's dinner. It reminds me of how close we have grown in the last months - trying to ride the waves of ever changing emotions and circumstances.

The most embarrassing and frustrating thing of the day came when I called a shop owner to inquire if she needed more pendants. It seems she got the wrong bunch of pendants (which Richard delivered on a day a few weeks ago when I had a rough day). The pendants she got still have gluey stuff on them. She did not seem mad, but I was hugely embarrassed. It seems lately I just can't get it right. Maybe I am trying to hard.

I am not accustomed to failure or really even to these bumps in the road. When I graduated from college, I got a teaching job immediately, and also a counseling job when I completed my Master's degree. I have published writings, delivered speeches, directed a camp....It has not been neurosurgery or anything as important as that, but I have felt accomplished in my own small way. Now I cannot seem to just enjoy this time off - even though I know (and everyone reminds me) that I should. I feel somewhat useless and unfulfilled. I guess this will be the topic for my Thursday therapy appointment.

I need to go now...I may write more later. Maybe some good family time will release me from my annoying funk. Tomorrow or the next day I will feel embarrassed that I even wrote about this today. Oh well.

Until then,