A Plan

I have been waiting anxiously all week for my counseling appointment. I did not get to go last week because I was at the farm - therapy in its own right. So, I was really looking forward to today's appointment. I was a little more than disappointed when I left the appointment feeling somewhat irritable and exhausted. I started the session by telling her that I always seem to be most bummed out on Mondays and Tuesdays. It was not long before we were talking about my career, or lack thereof.

I left, although frustrated, having come to some very clear conclusions:

1. It is hard for me to be unsettled. I want what I want, and I want it NOW! Like Veruca from Willy Wonka. : )

2. I thrive on being around people.

3. I attach much of my "worth" - right or wrong - to my career.

4. Things are never easy.

THese were good things to come to a conclusion about, but I am still left wondering what to do in with this great expanse (hopefully) of a future that is in front of me. When I was in Iowa, Vicki gave me a gift - a wall hanging that says: The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. I struggle so much with remembering and most important accepting this fact. If it were up to me, I would have the next thirty years planned out blow by blow. My counselor says this comes from years of uncertainty about my health. Duh! Sometimes what she says seems so obvious, but many times I haven't thought of it in the way she helps me to.

So, after many, many questions from her, we brainstormed ideas of what type of work I could do that would allow me to work part-time, with a flexible schedule to allow for resting, etc..., that would be a passion, that would be around people, and that would enable me to earn a little money. Not asking too much, right? Actually, we came up with several options: teaching an adult ed class, getting Daisy trained as a therapy dog, continue to pursue the art stuff, add digital scrapbooking to my art services, counsel kids on a part time basis.

There are lots of options, but knowing the options and making them happen are two different things entirely. She encouraged me to consider the exploration of these options as exciting. Right now, I feel it is a bit daunting and scary. Way down deep I feel a tiny twinge of excitement. She also encouraged me to be open to possibility. Again, easier said than done.

One last option we talked about was to get disability payments. I have been torn about this for a while. Getting disability obviously says one thing: you are disabled. She asked me: are you disabled? This was so hard for me to answer. So I said, "yes and no." She laughed and said that was a cop out answer. Try again. I said in my heart I don't consider myself disabled, but I know I can't work full time anymore because of my health. So what does that mean?

She said next week she would like me to come with a "plan" for how I am going to explore my options. Who do I need to talk to? What could I read or research? What are the options?

She reminded me that self-exploration is difficult and to go easy on myself for feeling what I am feeling. I think next session, I may ask her if I can take her picture and then put it up all over the house to remind me of what she says... : ) Just kidding. I guess that would be kind of creepy. 

I will end now. My brain is about to EXPLODE! I am still having problems uploading the art. I think the files may be too big. I am seriously considering offering my digital scrapbooking services. I am going to post sample pages on my art website this weekend, so check it out. 

I will share this picture of my incredibly handsome and talented son, Nicholas Jay. : ) Is he not the best looking baseball player you've seen in a while? Ok, I'm a little biased!

Have a good day!